Yosuke's Paradiso
by Moczo
Summary: Yosuke Hanamura, founding member of the Inaba Investigation Team... has died. And when that is only the START of his problems, well, you can already tell that he's in for a very bad day in Heaven. (Kink-meme De-anon)
1. Chapter One

**Author's Note: So, I was wondering what my next fanfiction project should be, when I was talking about Persona 4 online a few nights ago and remembered _this. _**

**_This _story was a fill I did on the Person 4 Kinkmeme that I sadly ended up losing track of before it was finished. Well, to make up for that, I am going to change all that. First, the existing story shall be posted, remastered, proofed, and re-arranged into a new chapter format. Then, when that's all up, I shall finally give this work a worth conclusion. **

**Enjoy! I know I will. **

**Oh, and I'm using 'Souji Seta', not 'Yu Narukami.' Mostly because the majority of what will be posted here was written before there _was _a 'Yu Narukami', but also, I just like that name more.**

* * *

**Chapter One: The Worst Part of Dying is the Morning After**

Yosuke blinked a few times, to make sure he wasn't dreaming. No such luck.

He was surrounded by fluffy white clouds, rainbows, and sunshine, which was fine. Nothing wrong with that sort of thing. Clouds were cool.

The problem was that there were also a bunch of people with wings flying around. That was less cool. Not the wings themselves, but rather the implications of people with wings. The first thing that came to mind was 'angel', and if a bunch of angels were flying around, that sort of meant he was dead. Not cool.

_How did this happen?_Yosuke thought. His mind was incredibly fuzzy for some reason, and finding out that he was dead wasn't really helping._Dead, dead, dead…_the word echoed in his mind mockingly. "I… I can't really be dead?" He muttered to nobody in particular.

"**Thou can indeed be dead, Yosuke Hanamura!" **An enormous voice boomed. From on high, a creature seemingly made entirely of silvery metal descended on a pair of enormous silver-white wings.

"Gah!" Yosuke said eloquently, slightly startled by the great shiny flying man shouting at him.

"**Yosuke Hanamura! I am the Metatron, the Voice of the One True God! Thou hast passed from the Mortal Coil, but Fear Not! Thou hast led a good life, and thy soul shalt now live eternally in the Kingdom of Heaven!"**

"Dude, do you have no indoor voice?!" Yosuke asked, covering his ears against the vast, echoing shouts.

"**I do not! The Voice of God must resound across all the Heavens, that all might know the Power and the Glory!" **Metatron shouted.

"I get it! Power and glory, Heaven is cool, got it! Could you please be a little quieter?!"

"**No!"**

"Ugh, fine! Then if you insist on screaming into my ear, could you at least answer some questions for me while you do it?"

"**I am a Holy Font of Divine Wisdom!" **Metatron bellowed.

"Was that a yes?"

"**Indeed!"**

"Cool."

"**Indeed, the Coolness of Myself is great and true! Yet it is not Perfect Coolness, for only the Divine Will of the Almighty Lord may truly be called Perfection!"**

"…Sure. That's great."

"**Indeed it is!**

"Um… okay. Questions, questions… well, here's one. To start off… how did I die?"

"**Gaze, and behold!" **Metatron shouted. He raised a single silvery arm, and the clouds swirled together, forming a vortex that Yosuke found his mind irresistibly drawn to…

* * *

Floating above the streets of Inaba, Yosuke looked down on himself.

Not just himself, but the entire team, walking out of Yasogami High. He… the floating "he", not the "he" walking with the others… took a brief moment to glance at himself, finding himself to be transparent in addition to floating in the sky. "Heh… okay, this is kinda cool. I wonder if anybody can see me?"

"**They cannot!" **A familiar voice roared from about three inches behind him.

"GAH!" Yosuke snapped, practically jumping out of his transparent skin. He whirled in the air to see Metatron floating serenely beside him. "Stop _doing _that!"

"**Doing what?!" **Metatron shout-asked.

"… Never mind." Yosuke said resignedly. "Okay, so what's going on here?"

"**We art looking through time itself, to see the last moments of thine mortal existence! Gaze now, Yosuke Hanamura, upon the moment of thine death!" **Metatron shouted.

"Really? I would have expected it to be in the TV world. I guess my memory really is fuzzy…" Yosuke said glumly. He watched as his past self walked along with his friends, the group of them chatting warmly, as friends would. Someone, usually Yosuke himself, would engage in the occasional teasing, sure; just to screw with Kanji's mind or watch Naoto turn red. Just a normal day.

But then, Yosuke saw it. The truck, out of control, screaming down the street. The driver was asleep at the wheel. The team didn't see it, but… wait, just judging by the way they were walking, they would be to safety well before it reached them. Yosuke was wondering if maybe this was just coincidence… then Rise stopped behind them to tie her shoe. She was on the sidewalk, she wasn't stupid, but the truck was swerving so madly and she didn't see it coming…

_Rise isn't dead, though… so is that what happened? I saw her in trouble, and I jumped to push her out of the way. _Yosuke thought. Strangely, the realization that he was about to watch his own death didn't worry him at all. _I died. But if I died saving a friend… well, if you have to go out, that's the way to do it, _he thought with a sense of deep satisfaction.

Several things happened then.

The truck driver woke up and, seeing he was about to kill a helpless girl, desperately wrenched the wheel to one side and slammed down on the brakes. The truck turned back into the street, and missed Rise cleanly, but as a result it also snapped the trailer it was carrying behind it like a whip. And inside that trailer, one single, solitary piece of cargo broke free from its bonds and struck the doors with enough force to be ejected from the truck. One single, _large _piece of cargo.

The piano sailed through the air.

"Holy crap!" Chie shrieked as she watched the projectile piano smash Yosuke into a building. On the plus side, the piano was very well-tuned, so the sound it made on impact wasn't horribly unpleasant. On the negative side… well… Yosuke was hit with a big frickin' piano.

"… What," Souji said, his mind apparently not quite able to get across any thought but that.

Yukiko opened her mouth, then closed it again, then opened it again. No sounds came out.

Kanji wasn't even able to get as far as "then closed it again."

"_What," _Souji said again.

"Calm… everybody stay calm." Naoto said. "He… may still be alive…"

With a hideous shrieking crunching noise, a second truck slammed into the first one. This impact apparently dislodged something, because a second piano flew from the wreck to crash violently into the one that was already on top of Yosuke.

"_Holy crap!_" Chie shrieked again.

"… Or not." Naoto finished.

"You have _got_to be kidding me!" Yosuke… Dead, Floating Yosuke, obviously… said.

"**I kid thee not!" **Metatron shouted.

"I was killed by a _flying piano_?!" He snapped in disbelief.

"**Nay! Thou wert killed by TWO flying pianos!" **Metatron corrected him.

A car, turning a corner too quickly and spotting the wrecked trucks too late, swerved madly and slammed into the pile of musical instruments and Yosuke. It then exploded.

"Oh, _come on_!" Dead Yosuke… well, both Yosukes were dead at this point… shouted in mounting annoyance.

"**Worry not! Thou wert already quite dead before yon horseless chariot struck!" **Metatron reassured him.

"Not my point, dude!"

Below them, Naoto turned to Souji and said, in a slightly shell-shocked voice, "I… um… I don't think he's going to make it, Senpai."

"_**What," **_Souji said.

Rise fainted.

"I can't believe I was killed by a piano!" Yosuke wailed.

"**Two pianos! The car would have killed thee as well, were thou not already dead when it collided with thee! Worry not for the driver, for he only suffered minor burns! Only thee were killed in yon accident!" **Metatron shouted.

"Again, _not my point!" _Yosuke snapped. "This is the worst death imaginable! I didn't save anyone, I didn't accomplish anything! There are Looney Tunes characters that go out with more dignity than that!"

"**Nay! The Looney Tunes characters survive such acts, while thou art most certainly dead!" **Metatron shouted helpfully.

Yosuke sighed. "That is not as reassuring as you seem to think."

"**Art thou certain?! Because I think it is quite reassuring and I am rarely wrong!**"

"… I hate you, man." Yosuke said. "Come on, let's go back to Heaven before… I don't know, a pack of rabid gerbils come and eat my body or something."

"**It is strange that thou should mention…**" Metatron began.

"_Let's go!_" Yosuke said insistently.

Metatron waved his hand, and Inaba dissolved before Yosuke's eyes, returning him to Heaven. "**Wert though satisfied with thy death, Yosuke Hanamura?!" **Metatron shouted.

"Of course I'm not satisfied! My death sucked!"

"**My apologies! If 'tis any condolence, thou suffered for a very short time!"**

"Yeah, yeah… I guess that's good…"

"**But in those few minutes, the agony thou experienced was…" **Metatron began.

"Stop reassuring me!" Yosuke said quickly, cutting off the angel before he could explain just _how horrible _the pain had been. Some things, he was happier not knowing. "So… I'm really dead?"

"**Quite!"**

"Guess I'd better make the best of it. What is there to do in Heaven?"

"**Praise God!"**

"… And?"

"**And what?!"**

"Is there anything else to do? Anything at all?"

"**Greeting newcomers, like thyself!"**

"Anything else?"

"**Nay!"**

"That… that sounds really boring." Yosuke said bluntly.

"**Well… there is one other thing!"**

"Lay it on me."

"**Thou couldst become a **_**WARRIOR ANGEL**_**!" **Metatron bellowed, his voice becoming even louder than usual.

"Ooooooh, that's what I'm talkin' about!" Yosuke said, grinning. "That sounds pretty awesome! How do I do that?"

"**First, thou must approach Michael, the Leader of the Heavenly Host and greatest of the Warrior Angels! He shall smite thee!"**

"Okay, sounds great so f… wait, what was that last part?"

"**Smite thee!"**

"Erm… why?"

"**To test thy strength!**

"So… so he's just gonna beat the crap out of me?"

"**Yea, for nigh unto a dozen fortnights!" **Metatron said enthusiastically

"O… okay… and after I get beaten to a pulp for weeks on end, what happens then?"

"**Then, thou shalt be made pure! Thou shalt be bathed in Holy Flame, to burn away thy sin and fill thy soul with loyalty to God!"**

"Bathed in holy flame."

"**Aye!"**

"Will that… y'know… hurt?"

"**More than thou couldst possibly imagine!" **Metatron said proudly.

"Wow. Inconceivable agony. That's… that's great. And at the end of it, I'll be… basically brainwashed?"

"'**Twas added into the program after that 'Lucifer' fiasco! Yet know that we do not call it 'brainwashing' for verily, brainwashing doth have negative connotations! 'Tis a Public Relations nightmare!"**

"But it _is _brainwashing."

"**Indeed it is! Yet we call it 'a trust-building exercise to maximize efficiency and achieve synergy!'"**

"So let me get this straight. Basically, you're saying that my options here in 'heaven' are to do nothing, forever… or to get my ass kicked for several weeks by the biggest badass Archangel, after which I will be set on fire and brainwashed."

"**Indeed! But when thou put it like that, it sounds bad!" **Metatron shouted.

"That's because it _is _bad! Dude, Heaven sucks!"

"**It could be worse!"**

"How?!"

"**In Hell, the fire 'tis not optional!"**

"… Touché. But still, I don't want to be here, either! Look, even if Heaven didn't completely suck, I would still prefer to be alive! There's kind of some important things I need to do back home. I can't _be_here!" Yosuke said.

"**Thou hast no choice, Yosuke Hanamura! Thou art sort of dead! The places thou canst go number precisely two, and this one is better than the other choice!"**

"You're sure there's no way for me to be alive again?"

"**Nay! No such path exists! There is certainly no way that anyone could ever_ possibly_ raise thee from the dead! Thou art deceased! Thou hast passed beyond the mortal coil!**"

"Dammit! There's really no way? At all?"

"**None!"**

"Crap… what am I gonna do now…?"

"**Except for Almighty God! He could restore thee to life!"**

"…And you didn't say that earlier becauuuuuuuse?" Yosuke asked irritably.

"**Didn't really think about it!" **Metatron proclaimed grandiosely.

* * *

"**This is a horrible idea, Yosuke Hanamura!" **Metatron said.

**"**No. Staying here in 'worst heaven ever', that's a bad idea. Trying to get out is exactly the opposite," Yosuke said.

"The Almighty does not like interruptions!" Metatron bellowed nervously.

"He's God! Infinite love and patience, right? He'll be willing to listen to me for a few minutes." Yosuke said.

Metatron stopped dead, eyes wide. "Infinite love and patience?" He mouthed silently, as if in disbelief. It was notable for likely being the first time he had done anything "silently" since the dawn of time.

Yosuke continued his resolute march toward where he assumed God was; it was the only building he could see, and given that it was a magnificent crystalline cathedral hundreds of miles high and surrounded by chanting angels, it seemed a good bet. He marched through the immaculate halls that gleamed with the light of eternal salvation, and as he did his anger began to be replaced with a sense of wonder. Since what he was doing was sort of insane, he hadn't really stopped to consider it, but with each new splendor he witnessed, he began to recognize something. He was about to meet _God_. The creator of the Universe. Father of All Things. He, Yosuke Hanamura, was about to meet that being.

Sure, Heaven sucked, a lot, but Yosuke had to admit that meeting God made the whole ordeal very nearly worth it.

He came upon the Doors, then. The Doors were a hundred feet high, and the golden flames engraved upon them were so magnificent that Yosuke imagined he could actually feel heat from the cool metal, almost thought he could hear them crackling. He pressed the doors, and they opened readily to his touch, as though he were not "entering" so much as being "called home." Within, he saw a field of brilliant stars as far as the eye could see, and very nearly fainted just from the sight, his mind unable to comprehend how this infinite space could have existed inside the Cathedral, however huge it might have been. And it was within this space that he truly felt God for the first time; a great presence that pressed against his mind, ancient and wise beyond the telling of it. A shape, indescribably vast, magnificently radiant and ever-shifting in appearance, filled his vision.

It was Awesome; not in the idiotic way that was used so often these days but in the truest sense of the word. It filled him with Awe, the genuine wonder of standing in the presence of the Creator. The presence acknowledged him, and he felt complete. It spoke, and he felt wonder.

**_"Filthy mortal insect, thou reek of sin. How dare thou enter My Divine Presence?" _**God said.

"… … … Wait, what?" Yosuke said. That feeling of awe and serenity hadn't lasted long, had it?

* * *

**Author's Note: For those not in the know: Traditionally speaking God is not a very nice guy in Shin Megami Tensei. I saw no reason why _Persona _should be an exception, did you? Infinite love and patience are not on the menu for poor Yosuke.**

**Also, shameless plug: If you liked this, be sure to check my profile. Both for other stories, and links to my original fiction. Hope you read and enjoy! **


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two: The God Must be Crazy**

"Um… God, sir? Did I do something to anger y-" Yosuke began.

"**_Loathsome insect that believes itself worthy to stand in My presence, thou shalt be punished. I shalt cast thy soul into Hell where it shalt be tortured, yea unto a thousand, thousand years. Thy family shalt be punished as well; plagues and torments thou cannot comprehend unleashed upon them for the crime of sharing thy tainted blood. All who call thee a friend, all those who have ever even laid eyes upon thee shall pay for thy sin_!**" God said.

"… But I didn't even do anything!" Yosuke said.

"**_Vile creature that realizes not its own sin, thou shall be smote. Mine servants shall tear thee limb from limb, and thy soul shall be_…**" God began.

"Dude, I just want to talk!"

"**_Eh? Oh. I thought thou had come to overthrow me_**."God said.

"Why would I?!"

"**_Well, thou dost reek of sin_**." God replied.

"… Okay. Sure. Yeah. Well, I'll try to get this done quickly, since I apparently smell so awful…"

"**_Reek_."**

"… Right, since I apparently reek…"

"**_Of sin. The vile sin that fills all of thy corrupt species, ever since the first of thee disobeyed me in Eden_**."

"Look, not to be disrespectful…"

"**_Thou disrespect me simply by existing in my Glorious Presence_**."God said.

"… … … … … _Would you please let me finish a sentence?!_**" **Yosuke screamed. God fell silent. "_Thank _you. Now, I have a small request, and I'm told you're the person to see about it. I would like to…"

"**_Thy request has been granted_!" **God said.

"But I haven't made one yet!"

"**_Thou requested that I allow thee to finish a sentence! Thou hast done so! Dare thou ask another boon?! Thou shalt be smote_!**" God said.

"W-what?! That wasn't what I wanted to ask! Just listen to…"

"**_Begone_!" **God bellowed, and Yosuke suddenly found himself thrown backwards through the magnificent gate he had opened to meet God. It didn't look so cool when it was slamming in his face.

"Son of a bitch!" Yosuke snapped. "Hey! Meta!" Yosuke said, calling out for the angel who'd been following him around until now.

"**What dost thou desire, Yosuke Hanamura**?!"Metatron roared.

"Were you aware that God is a total douche?" Yosuke asked.

"**Aye! The Almighty 'tis… prickly**!" Metatron shouted.

"Prickly?! He's a complete bastard who threatened me with eternal damnation for being in the same room as Him! Then he ignored my questions, threatened me _again_, and kicked me out!"

"… **Well, in His defense, He did not obliterate thee!"**

"That's not very comforting."

"… **Indeed**!" Metatron shouted glumly.

"It's… I just… isn't God supposed to be loving and kind?! Why is he such a bastard?!" Yosuke complained.

"**Well, He wouldst really prefer that all living things offer Him unconditional loyalty! And since they don't, He is a tad... _unsociable_!"**

"Oh, that total… well, I don't have time to salve his ego! I'm going right back in there and _demanding _that jerkass bring me back to life." Yosuke said. Resolutely, he pressed the doors open once again and walked boldly back into God's sanctum. About three seconds later, he jumped back out, a bolt of lightning narrowly missing his head, and slammed them shut again. "Jerkass!" He shouted, though if God heard him, there was no indication.

**"I did warn thee this was a bad idea, Yosuke Hanamura!"**

Yosuke rubbed his temples to fight off the growing headache. "Okay. Okay. Tell me straight, Meta… is He ever going to actually listen to me?"

"**Um… I hate to be the one to tell thee this, Yosuke Hanamura, but probably not! He is not well known for changing His mind! Ever!"**

"And if I keep trying anyway?"

**"I hear Hell is quite warm this time of year!"**

Metatron shouted tried not to scream in frustration. Tried and failed.

* * *

Yosuke sat down on a cloudbank after making the trek to get some distance between himself and God, and sighed. "This could be going better," He said.

A tiny, childlike angel descended from out of nowhere to land next to him. "**Greetings, friend! Hast thou heard the word of the Lord today?"**

"Yes. Right from His own mouth. And while it sounded fancy and formal, it really just added up to 'Screw you, Yosuke,'" Yosuke said.

"Then have a nice day!"

The little winged twit said, fluttering off. This particular cherub was the latest in a long line of angels who had bothered him only to show that they were even less helpful than Metatron. At least Meta _tried _to help. The majority of Heaven's feathered population seemed to prefer behaving like door-to-door evangelists. Which was probably appropriate, but… Speaking of Meta… Yosuke turned to his guide and said, "Any ideas?"

"**Perhaps we could disguise thee as a woman! That might fool Him into seeing thee again!**"

"Dude, you've suggested that _five times_. There is no way that would work, and I wouldn't do it in any event!" Yosuke said bluntly. "And why do you keep trying to make me?!"

"**I think woman's garb would make thee pretty! Like a princess**!"

"_I don't want to be a pretty princess_!" Yosuke snapped.

"**Then there is indeed much we do not understand about one another**!"Metatron shouted solemnly.

But the sad thing was, they hadn't had any _better _ideas. It wasn't as though Yosuke had any leverage on _God_, after all. What exactly was he supposed to do?

"Ugh… maybe I should just give up and get used to doing nothing forever." Yosuke groaned.

**"Thou could also be set on fire!" **Metatron reminded him.

"… Yes. Thank you. I'd almost forgotten the 'unspeakable pain' option. Thank you so much for reminding me of all my _horrible choices_." Yosuke said glumly.

**"That is why I am here!" **Metatron shouted cheerfully.

"Ugh," Yosuke groaned again.

**"The Holy Flame hurts for only a few days! Of course, the _memory_ of that most unspeakable of torments shall haunt thee for the rest of time, but the brainwashing helps take the edge off that!**"Metatron informed him.

"Yes! Okay! That's wonderful! Stop helping me!" Yosuke said.

"**As thou wish!**"Metatron bellowed. "**I shall cease assisting thee! I shall be as a silent shadow by thy side! No longer shall my undesired advice ring forth across the Heavens! If my words do not aid thee, than 'tis only fitting that I no longer speak them! I shalt be silent! I…"**

"Shut up!"

**"I am now shutting up!" **Metatron said obediently.

Yosuke took a deep breath. _Okay, Yosuke. You're a smart guy. Just relax, let your thoughts flow…_

"**Is my silence satisfactory, Yosuke Hanamura**?!"Metatron roared from directly beside Yosuke's ear.

"GAH!" Yosuke said, happy that he was dead because it meant he couldn't have a heart attack. "_Dude_! _Stop that_!"

"**Stop what**?!"

"… … …" Yosuke said. "Okay. Deep breath. I shouldn't get angry at you. You're still more useful than anyone else up here. I just sort of wish that I could talk to someone… you know, smart." Yosuke laughed bitterly. "Maybe I should ask God for advice! Oh, wait…"

**"He occasionally listens!"**

"Really?"

"**… No, not really!"**

"Yeah, thought so. No, there is _someone _I would ask for advice, though," Again, a bitter chuckle. "To bad he's alive and I'm not…"

"**Indeed! There is no way for thee to speak to the living!" **Metatron shouted.

Yosuke's eyes narrowed. "There… _isn't_, right?"

**"Indeed!"**

"Because you said the same thing about coming back from the dead, except there _was _a way."

"**True, but not this time!**"

"… You're _sure_? It hasn't just 'slipped your mind' or something? Because I'm telling you, if I find you're actually stringing me along, I'll be _pissed_."

**"Have thou so little faith in me?! There is no way! Except Astral Projection!" ** Metatron shouted indignantly.

"… What is Astral Projection?" Yosuke asked in a very dangerous tone.

"**Did I not mention it earlier?! Verily, it must have slipped my…"**

At this point, Metatron was briefly interrupted by Yosuke furiously attempting to make him eat his own wings. Being twice Yosuke's size and made of metal, he wasn't really _hurt _by this, but it was hard to have a discussion with someone trying to strangle you.

"So what you're saying," Yosuke said once he had calmed down and stopped flailing uselessly at the giant metallic thing, "Is that I can project my spirit down to Earth and just float around whenever I want? Like you did before, only looking at what's actually happening? And I can even communicate with people?"

"**Indeed! Thou shalt travel the world as a spirit, able to go anywhere and see anything!**" Metatron confirmed. He seemed to have taken Yosuke's attempt on his life (afterlife?) fairly well, mostly because he had not actually been harmed in any way on account of being made of metal.

Yosuke considered this for a moment. He then grinned. "_Any_thing?"

"**Aye!**"

"I might just have to make a short stop at the showers in the girl's locker…"

"**Except nudity, of course! As a being of Heaven, thine eyes now have built-in censorship! Lust is a sin, after all!**"

"Ah. Of course. My mistake for assuming there would be something about eternal paradise that didn't _suck_." Yosuke said glumly.

"**The clouds are nice!**"

"… Well, okay, yes. They are nice and fluffy." Yosuke admitted.

"**Indeed!**"

"… … …"

"… … …"

"… That's all you've got, isn't it?"

"**Aye!**"

"Thought so." Yosuke said sadly. "So, anything else I need to know before I do this?"

**"Nay!"**

"Awesome. Then I'll just pop on down there, haunt my friends for advice, and be right back up here in an hour with some knowledge that might actually help."

"**Nay, Yosuke Hanamura! Thou art a spirit! Mortals can only see and hear thee when thou speakest to them while they dream!**" Metatron shouted.

"... Only when they're dreaming?"

**"Aye!"**

"So, when I asked you 'anything else I need to know?', and you said there _wasn't_, you were... no. You know what? It's long past time I stopped being surprised when you turn out to be stupid, so I'm just gonna stop right there," Yosuke said wearily. "I'll just wait for someone to fall asleep, it's not a big deal. Unless there's some _other _detail you forgot to... no, no. Even if I ask you'll say there isn't, who am I kidding? I'm just going to take my chances and head out right… um… actually, how _do _I head out?"

Metatron waved one arm, and the clouds beneath Yosuke's feet suddenly opened up, causing him to plummet downwards like a rock.

"IIIIIIIIII HAAAAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU…" Yosuke screamed as he fell rapidly out of sight.

"**I have provided critical assistance!**" Metatron proclaimed, as the hole in the clouds closed again. "**Amen!**"

* * *

"…UUUUUUUUULF!" Yosuke finished as he collided with the pavement. Painfully.

_Ah. Pain. How nice._Yosuke thought. _It's as if being dead includes all the bad parts of being alive, and none of the good parts. Except clouds._

Honestly, it was a wonder that he seemed to be the only person _trying _to get out of Heaven. Maybe Metatron wasn't the only "divine greeter" and the other ones tended to skim over the "fire and brainwashing" part of becoming a warrior angel. It sounded cool until you found out how absolutely uncool it was.

Yosuke stood, glancing around. He'd landed in Inaba, at least, and the fact that he'd landed in the middle of the shopping district and nobody was panicking or running away meant that he legitimately couldn't be seen. A few minutes of experimentation showed that, while he was apparently solid enough to hit the ground, he couldn't seem to interact with anything else. _Exactly solid enough to get hurt, but not solid enough to actually do anything… yup, that sounds like just about what I've come to expect from Heaven._

Okay, his first step should be to find Souji. He could go to his house and wait there, he supposed, but honestly, he kind of wanted to see how his friends were holding up without him. Realistically, all he'd seen of them was when he'd witnessed his own death, and considering how fuzzy his memory of that was, he didn't even know for sure how long ago he'd died. Who knew how time passed in Heaven? He might have been dead for a month for all he knew. He _had _to see how the team was doing…

* * *

**Author's Note: Because if you need to oppose the Divine, shouldn't you ask Souji? He's got a record of it. **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, fan and otherwise. Hope you enjoy! **


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three: Life Goes On**

Rise sprinted through the food court to rejoin the team. "All right, Teddie's safe on the other side. The cops will never find him!" she said confidently.

"Cops? The _cops _are after _Teddie_?" Yosuke asked in shock, although the fact that nobody could see or hear him made the value of this dubious.

"I still can't believe Teddie is wanted for arson," Yukiko said. "Our Teddie, a fugitive from justice…"

"Arson. _Teddie,_" Yosuke said in flat disbelief.

"It's my fault," Souji said glumly.

Rise sat down beside him and patted him on the back consolingly. "Don't say that, Senpai! How could you have known that Teddie would burn down a musical instrument shop?"

"I should have explained to him that the pianos didn't kill Yosuke _on purpose_. Poor bear thinks his best friend was murdered by a marauding pack of pianos!" Souji moaned. "It just didn't occur to me that it would come up! I mean, what kind of moron thinks that pianos are alive?!"

"Well... Teddie, I guess?" Kanji said.

"_Rhetorical question_!" Souji snapped.

"In a way, I'm glad this happened," Naoto said. "Not the... the fire, per se, but _something_. Even if it's not under the best of circumstances, it got us to gather as a group for the first time since Yosuke-senpai's… incident."

"Yosuke…" Chie whispered. Yosuke himself wasn't sure if he should be happy or sad about the fact that she looked terrible. "… I still can't believe he's gone, you know? It just doesn't seem real…"

"I know this is hard on you, Chie-senpai. You and Yukiko-senpai knew him longer than any of us. But Yosuke-san has been dead for nearly three days. It's time we learned to cope," Naoto implored her.

"That's right, Chie! Don't worry about… wait, three days?! Shouldn't you guys be more broken up about this if it's only been three days?! Don't cope yet!" Yosuke said.

"I… I know… it's just…!" Chie stammered. "Waaaaaaaaah!" She suddenly stopped, bursting into tears.

"Chie…" Yukiko said, resting a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.

"I… I… I… would have just worn the stupid bikini if I'd known he was gonna _die_!" Chie wailed.

"… Eh?"

"The _camping trip_! If I'd known he was going to die, I wouldn't have made such a big deal about the stupid swimsuit! A-a-a-and I would have kicked him a lot less often! And I would have stolen less of his money to buy Teddie clothes! And…"

"There, there… just let it all out…" Yukiko encouraged.

"Yes, Chie. Please let out all the ways you _could _have treated me better and _didn't,_" Yosuke said.

Naoto sighed. "This is what I was afraid of. We are all in great emotional distress; Chie-senpai is merely the most vocal in her grief… except Teddie, but then it is hard to be more vocal than burning three dozen pianos."

"Well, this has been hard on us. We knew that what we were doing was dangerous, and we were prepared to die, but we always assumed it would be due to the monsters or serial killers, not something so... stupid," Souji said. "And more than that, he was… I mean, he was _Yosuke_. He's always been here. I know we need to move on, but how?"

"Well… couldn't you swap me into the main team to cover Electricity, then make yourself a Persona that uses Wind?" Kanji suggested.

"… Okay, Kanji, while that _is _a helpful suggestion, in this particular case I really meant 'how will we move on' in an _emotional _sense." Souji replied.

"Indeed," Naoto said, nodding in agreement. "Yosuke-senpai filled a key emotional role in this team. We need to fill that spot in the group dynamic or I don't know if we'll be able to function as we have been to this point." Naoto said.

"Really? How do you mean?" Rise asked.

"Well… think about Yosuke-san. Think of what he did, how he interacted with us. He would often…" Naoto said. "Um… he would… he…"

"What?"

"I'm thinking! He… well… he…" Naoto continued. Her tone fell into a nearly inaudible mutter as she said, "He must have done _something_…"

"If I were solid and you were a boy, I would hit you, Naoto. Just throwing that out there," Yosuke said.

"Ah! Of course. He would often lighten the mood! Many times his lighthearted teasing would ease the tense situations we often find ourselves in," Naoto said in satisfaction.

"Yeah, you're right!" Rise agreed. "Yosuke-senpai really did help a lot with that sort of thing!"

"Sure. I mean, without him, who's going to make cracks about my sexuality? In public? All the damn time? Even though he knows damn well that's not my real issue _and _I hate when he does it?" Kanji asked.

Souji winced. "Um… Kanji…"

"Who's gonna break Chie-senpai's stuff? Or stare at Rise's chest when she thinks he's not looking?" Kanji continued.

"I… I don't do that!" Yosuked protested futilely.

"He _did _do that a lot…" Rise admitted.

"Or yell at Teddie? Belittle Naoto's contributions? Or, Hell, just generally blackmail the girls into doing embarrassing crap?" Kanji kept right on rolling.

"Now, he didn't do that… often…" Naoto said.

"Kanji, I'm… sensing some unresolved bitterness," Souji said delicately.

"Noooo, Senpai. I'm totally fine. I completely agree that we need to fill the hole in our 'group dynamics'. How we gonna go on without the _team jerk_?"

"Oh, _screw you_, Kanji!" Yosuke snapped. "I'm not the Team Jerk! I'm… I'm the plucky comic relief at _worst_!"

"No!" Chie snarled, tears still streaming down her face. "I don't want another jerk! Yosuke was the only jerk for me!"

"_Stop helping, Chie_!" Yosuke begged.

"Don't be like that, Chie," Yukiko said gently. "Naoto says we need a jerk on the team! Yosuke wouldn't want us to run out of jerkness and falter now! He'd want us to find an even _better _jerk than he was!"

"Okay! New rule! _Nobody is allowed to stick up for me_," Yosuke said. "Everybody got that?!"

Naoto winced. "I… I was actually not referring to that_ specific _aspect of his personality when I suggested how important he was…"

"I know!" Yukiko considered, unfazed by this statement. "Maybe I could be the team jerk! It will take some practice, but I'm sure I'll eventually be able to pull it off! Don't worry, Yosuke... watch me from Heaven while I make you proud!"

"I'm right here, and you are _not _making me proud!" Yosuke protested.

"Go for it, Yukiko-senpai! I know you can do it!" Rise encouraged.

"Dammit, Rise, what did I _just say_?!" Yosuke asked exasperatedly.

"So… so nobody's even listening to me anymore, are they?" Naoto asked sadly.

"Okay, what would Yosuke-kun say... um… ah-ha! Kanji!" Yukiko said, pointing at the boy in question. "I believe that, based on certain past actions, it is possible you are sexually attracted to men, either in addition to or instead of women!"

Silence.

"N-not that this is a problem, really. I mean, honestly, nobody even cared except Yosuke, and that was more... more of a joke, I think, really..."

More silence.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I deeply apologize if I've offended you! You're beautiful just the way you are and we all love you no matter what!" Yukiko said in a panic, before standing up and running out of the food court, tears streaming down her face.

Silence yet again. For five solid minutes this time.

"… Well, she _did _say she would need some practice." Rise acknowledged. "I think that was a good first effort."

"Look," Souji said, holding up a calming hand. "You're forgetting Yosuke's most important contribution to the group."

"You tell 'em, partner!" Yosuke invisibly cheered.

"Oh, thank you, I knew there had to be something…" Naoto said in relief.

"Naoto. Seriously. _Stop it,_" Yosuke invisibly grumbled.

"He was my… sounding board," Souji said. "I bounced ideas off him. Discussed strategies. He was my… well, my second in command. I don't know if I can function as effectively as a leader without that."

"Oh… wow, Souji…" Yosuke said, genuinely touched that his friend viewed him as so indispensable.

"So… you just need somebody you can talk to?" Kanji asked.

"Well… basically, I suppose…"

"Would a monkey work?" Kanji asked.

"Dammit, Kanji!" Yosuke said.

Souji stared at him for several seconds. "A… a monkey."

"Monkeys can listen to stuff. They're real smart."

"… No, Kanji," Souji said in a long-suffering tone, "A monkey won't work."

"I just asked 'cause I know a guy who could totally hook us up with a monkey," Kanji said.

"Ooooh, is it one of those little cute ones that can sit on your shoulder?" Rise squealed.

"Sure! He's got all kinda monkeys." Kanji said.

"We're not replacing Yosuke with a monkey, people!" Souji said.

"I know I'll most likely regret this, but I have to ask: Why does your… dubious contact have 'all kinda monkeys'?" Naoto asked.

Kanji shrugged. "Robbed a zoo. Took all the monkeys."

"… Why?!"

Kanji shrugged. "To sell. People will buy monkeys for stuff. Pet. Clean the house. Murder solving team."

"I wanna name him 'Mr. Tails'!" Rise said cheerfully.

"_We're not getting a monkey_!" Souji snapped. "Look! People! I don't just need the first warm body that comes along! I need a someone who can listen to me _and _talk back! I need a real supporter, a… a _confidante_."

Several people reacted to this.

Yosuke's reaction was to sniffle slightly. "I... wow, man. Don't worry, I'm trying! I just need you to go to sleep and hold off on replacing me with a monkey!" He said. His reaction, however, was by _far _the least problematic. Of far more interest to Souji, in particular, were the reactions of the girls.

As one, Naoto, Rise, and Chie turned to look at him. Souji got the strange impression that he had just thrown blood into a pool full of sharks.

"Well," Naoto began. "I feel I would be the most obvious choice, given my credentials and our history together. I would be happy to assist you. We could begin meeting daily after school, if you wish…"

"I'm a _very _good listener, senpai. Just give me the chance, and I'll listen to _all sorts _of things. Your place or mine, I don't mind, as long we're alone…" Rise purred.

"Well, I mean we're already practically partners, all we've been through? You can depend on me for anything, you know that! So go right ahead! I mean, we're already in the same class, so it should be easy to get together all the time!" Chie said.

All three of them stopped. All three turned to face each other, and the looks on their faces were not happy. And it only got worse when Yukiko ran back into the food court, panting heavily, to scream, "_I'll do it_!"

Silence fell, heavy and thick. Souji, for some reason, pictured the four girls in his mind, only they were all dressed as Samurai and preparing to draw their swords...

Kanji gauged the atmosphere of the table and said, "Well, I think it's about time I was hittin' the old dusty trail…" He then proceeded to not _quite _run out of the room.

Yosuke blinked. "You know, I'll admit that I was... a part of me was kind of hoping you guys would fall apart without me. I know it's selfish, but I wanted you to take my death hard, just as proof you cared. I will say, however, that this is _not _how I expected it to happen."

* * *

**Author's Note: The Harem Plan never works out in the end, Souji. You should have known this. **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, fan and otherwise. Hope you enjoy! **


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four: Dream a Little Dream**

The door slammed. "Welcome home, big… bro?" Nanako said, her confusion at Souji's glum appearance turning the end of the greeting into a question. Ever since Yosuke-san had stopped coming over, Big Bro had seemed more somber than usual. Nanako was a smart girl, she knew something was wrong with Big Bro and his friends, but since they were probably trying to protect her she had chosen not to ask just yet. But today, he seemed worse than usual.

"Um… big bro… is something wrong?"

"Well, that's a loaded question, Nanako. Let me ask… have you ever seen a four-way catfight?"

"Um… no," Nanako said honestly.

"Of course you haven't, why would you have? Well, let's put it like this. Do you know what a wolverine is, Nanako?"

"Sooooort of…"

"Hee, don't worry, you can be honest with me," Souji said warmly, although his expression suggested he wasn't so much "happy" as "filled with bone-chilling terror."

"No."

"Well, a wolverine is a small mammal. It doesn't look very dangerous, but it is a relentless killer. Now, picture four wolverines. And they're starving, and they see a piece of meat. It's pretty good meat… this meat helped them work through their issues regarding the family business, or reaffirmed their commitment to justice. Maybe this meat consoled them when they had second thoughts about their career, or helped them come to terms with their gender. Does that sound like good meat?"

"I guess so…"

"Now, all four of these killer animals see this meat, and they all want it. But there's not enough for all four of them. So they start just _ravaging _everything around them. Even the meat they all want. Yeah, they missed the face, but the meat has some bruises under his uniform. They're not the kind of wolverines that 'scratch'. They are the kind that just _kick the crap out of you_. _And _each other. And then the police come. And then all four wolverines are spending the night in lockup for disturbing the peace. And when they get out, they are going to want the meat to decide which of them he likes best. And if the meat _knew that_, the meat _would have made a decision by now_. The meat likes all four wolverines in different ways. The meat is _screwed_."

"…oh," Nanako said. She couldn't really think of anything else to say.

"Yeah. Oh," Souji said glumly. "I'm going to bed, Nanako. I'm very tired."

"Okay… um, big bro?" Nanako asked.

"Yes, Nana?"

"Do you want me to watch for wolverines?" Nanako asked dutifully.

* * *

Souji slowly, painfully, crawled into his futon. "Yosuke… I don't know if you can hear me, wherever you are…"

"I totally can," Yosuke said, from his position floating roughly five feet to Souji's left.

"… But man, I wish you weren't dead."

"Me too."

"Aside from the trouble of finding a new Magician social link…"

"A new social what?"

"Well… it's just like… without you, the rest of the team doesn't seem to have the same dedication they did. I never really figured _you _were what kept us focused on the case but I guess… maybe that 'Team Jerk' theory has some merit. Maybe you assured that all the rage piled on one target. And now that you're gone, the rage is getting all over the place. Kanji doesn't even really know what he's doing anymore, and the girls…" Souji shuddered.

"Gee. Thanks," Yosuke said dryly.

"Ah, well. I guess nothing to be done about it now…" Souji said, his eyes fluttering closed. "Might as well get some rest and wait for death…"

Despite himself, Yosuke couldn't help but be curious. He was going to get to talk to Souji in his _dreams_. Souji! Probably the most amazing person he'd ever met, a bona fide hero. Who knew what awesome things he dreamed about? And Yosuke could just go look at them! After this, he might have to go check out some other people's dreams too, just for comparison. But first…

Not entirely sure what else to do, he laid on intangible hand on Souji's sleeping brow. The effect was immediate… a rush of motion behind his eyes, and suddenly he was standing in a large, darkened room. A quick glance revealed nothing particularly interesting about it. _Well, this is underwhelming. It's just a big, dark…_

The lights burst into brilliant life, blinding him. The audience began to scream. And a loud voice shouted, "LUUUUU-CHAAAA-RAAAAN!"

"Souji!" Yosuke shouted. It wasn't that Souji was far away, it was just that there was a huge crowd around them cheering and Yosuke had to scream to be heard over them. "What the Hell is going on?!"

"Yosuke?! Dude, get out of the ring! I've got to fight Naoki!" Souji said, pulling on a bright red and blue mask.

"What?!' Yosuke asked, looking around to see a person he could only assume was Naoki Konishi… it _looked _like him, but the green-and-yellow sequined mask he was wearing made it hard to be sure. "Dude, what is going on?!"

Souji rolled his eyes. "Duh! It's Lucha Libre! You know, Mexican wrestling! I need to beat Naoki to move to the title bout with Chie!"

"Not Naoki!" Naoki said in a thick Mexican accent. "El Perro Diablo!"

Yosuke tried to process this. And failed. "Look, Souji… dude, you're dreaming. You're not really a luchador."

"But... but _lucha_!" Souji said in desperate denial. "Wait… that's right. If this were real, you couldn't be here..."

"Sorta… look, I'm dead but I'm not dead, and this is a dream but not really."

"… Eh?"

"You are dreaming, yeah, but I'm real. And dead. It's complicated."

"So… I don't have to lucha Naoki?"

"You would have lost anyway!" El Perro Diablo crowed.

"No, you don't! And if you could dream something quieter…"

"Okay, okay, let me try…" Souji said. The world of the dream shifted around them…

"AHHHHH!" Yosuke and Souji said as they suddenly found themselves falling through the air. It was a surprisingly long drop before they landed on some kind of cloth, which instantly launched them back up again.  
"_What the hell?!_" Yosuke shouted, trying to get some clue of what was going on.

"Daisuke and Kou are throwing us up in the air!" Souji said cheerfully.

"_Why_?!"

"Why _not_?" Souji asked.

"Dude, I really need to talk! Dream something better for conversations!" Yosuke begged as he was tossed again.

Souji sighed in irritation and closed his eyes. Once more the world shifted, leaving the two boys standing in an empty field. "Okay, is this all… right…?" Souji asked, eyes widening as his voice faded.

Yosuke followed his vision to see Naoto standing at the edge of the field.

"Yosuke, we've got to run!" Souji said, sprinting away as fast as he could. Yosuke, not sure what else to do, followed him. Naoto smiled like a shark and took off in hot pursuit.

"Dude, why… are we running… from Naoto?" Yosuke asked between gasps for breath, discovering quickly that running while dead and in a dream felt surprisingly real.

"Because she's chasing us!" Souji said.

Yosuke thought about that for a second.

"_New dream, dude_!" He snapped.

"Fine, fine… let's try…" When the world shifted this time, Yosuke found himself sitting in a nice kitchen somewhere, and nodded in satisfaction. So far, so good… as long as Nanako didn't show up to play tennis or something. Damn, Souji dreamed weird stuff.

But surprisingly, it wasn't Nanako that came down the stairs, but rather a girl from school; a freshman, Ayane Something-or-other. She bounded over to Souji and gave him a cheerful kiss on the cheek. "Good morning, daddy!"

"Morning, princess. Here's your lunch," He said warmly, handing her a bento. "Now hurry up, you don't want to be late for school. Daddy will still be here when you get home."

"I love you, daddy!" She said, practically skipping out the door.

"… What the Hell?" Yosuke asked.

"Well, before we could talk I had to make Ayane lunch and send her to school." Souji said, sitting down across the table from Yosuke with a cup of coffee.

"Um… why?"

Souji rolled his eyes. "Because I'm her _parent_. Duh."

"You… you do realize she's only a year younger than you, right?"

"I married young," Souji agreed.

"… Right. Well, that's… that's great," Yosuke said. Any thought he had that Souji's dreams would be "awesome" had long ago died. Now he would just settle for something approaching normal, like forgetting to study or something.

"So, what did you want to talk about? We've got some time before my little princess comes home... she's an honor student, so she stays late to study pretty often." Souji said proudly.

"… … …" Yosuke replied eloquently. "Right, that's fine. In all honesty, what I have to say is just as weird, and it _isn't _a dream…"

* * *

**Author's Note: If you've read my other stories, you know that every once in awhile, I write something where even I'm not sure what I'm doing. This would be that. Though in fairness, the game started it. Stupid Souji Dreams. **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, fan and otherwise. Hope you enjoy! **


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five: So, Souji is Smarter than God, then? **

"So, after you died, you went to Heaven." Souji asked.

"Yup."

"And it sucks."

"Uh-huh."

"So you tried to ask God to bring you back to life…"

"Right."

"… but he was a dick."

"You have _no _idea."

"And you want me to help you think of some way to change his mind." Souji finished.

"I know, it sounds odd, but I swear this isn't a dream. Well, I mean _this _is a dream, but what I'm saying isn't except for the part where I'm saying it to you in…"

"I get it, man. Really, after finding out monsters live inside the TV, I've greatly expanded my list of crazy stuff I'll believe," Souji said. "I'm just not sure I can help you…"

"Come on, dude, you're great at persuading people to do stuff!" Yosuke begged. "I mean, you've got four girlfriends!"

"Six. And I'm starting to think Nanako's developing a crush on me, which might become a problem at some point." Souji muttered into his coffee mug.

"What was that?"

"I didn't say anything." Souji said. But where another man might have babbled this nervously, Souji said it smoothly, calmly, and most importantly with True Conviction.

"Oh, okay, that makes… waaaaait…" Yosuke said. "Dude, that was awesome! You see?! That's what I need! I mean, you clearly just lied to me, and I _almost believed you, even though I knew you weren't telling the truth_. You have… however many girlfriends, and when they found out about it, they started fighting _each other _over who would get to keep you! People believe you when you talk!"

Souji smiled. "It's a gift."

"Dude, it's one step away from a super-power. And it is _exactly _what I need."

"All right, all right… outwit God, huh? Well, I guess I can give it a shot." Souji finally relented. "Honestly, we might have a chance, here. From what you've said, it sounds like He's a bit paranoid, that helps. And He doesn't seem to be all-knowing, which is even better. Yeah… yeah, maybe we can do this! Then you can go back to being my confidante, and the wolverines will stop fighting each other!"

"… eh?"

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do." Souji said excitedly. "First thing is to get your foot in the door. If you can't even convince him to talk to you, there's nothing to be done, so you _must _get him to speak to you."

"Well… I tried, but he's kind of a douche."

"Yes, you mentioned that. So you need to throw him off-balance. Make him forget for a moment that he doesn't want you around. Confuse him." Souji said. "Second, you need to convince him you're on his side, somehow."

"But I'm not. I hate him."

"It's called 'lying', Yosuke. You don't have to _be _on his side, just make it look like you are. Offer to… I don't know, do _something _for him. You have some unique abilities. There's got to be _something_, some starting point you can use."

"Okaaaaay… and if that doesn't work?"

"Well, then, I guess you're screwed."

"Gee, thanks."

"You could try… I don't know. Fight him? Maybe he has a glass jaw. Honestly, if we get to the point where this is our only option, then you've got nothing to lose anyway."

"Point. We'll call that our back-up plan."

"Sounds good."

"Well, I guess I'd better get going... you know, back to Heaven."

"Yeah... good luck, Yosuke. I hope you're not dead soon."

"Me too, partner."

"...Oh! Yeah, that's right, there's one more thing. Actually it's the most important thing, the one piece of advice that you must not forget. _Whatever _you do, make _absolutely _sure you..." Souji began.

'Began', because before the sentence could end, Yosuke's world shifted and warped around him and he found himself surrounded by the one thing in the world he did not want to see: Fluffy. White. Clouds.

"**Welcome back to Heaven, Yosuke Hanamura**!" Metatron bellowed.

"Son of a..."

* * *

Souji looked left. Then right. Then left again. "Um… Yosuke? Where'd you go?" When no response came, he blinked a few times. "Huh. Well, I guess he's gone. Maybe he _was _just a dream after all? That would be kind of lame. Plus it leaves me here with nothing to do until Ayane gets back from school. Man, it's rough being a single father."

With nothing better to do, Souji considered his situation for a moment. Then he smiled, and concentrated.

"Wheeeeeeeee!" He said as Daisuke and Kou threw him up in the air. "Higher, higher!"

* * *

"… bitch!" Yosuke finished. "_Why?! _Why that exact second?!"

"**Because thy time was up! Thou art allowed to travel to Earth for only a few hours each year! Otherwise, there would be angels all over the place, visiting at all hours! It would be a travel nightmare!**"

"… And you didn't tell me this before I left becaaaaaaaaause?"

"**I'm pretty sure I did**!" Metatron roared.

"No. You didn't."

"**Art thou certain?! Because I think I did and I am usually correct about such things**!"

"I hate you so much."

"**Aw, but I like thee**!" Metatron roared sadly.

Yosuke blinked a few times, and then sighed in resignation. "Sorry, sorry. I like thee too."

"**Huzzah! Our friendship is mended**!" Metatron declared.

"I guess I can't blame you, really. That would be like blaming a dog for chewing the furniture. You don't do it to be malicious. You're just stupid."

"**Indeed!**"

"Well, maybe it won't even matter. I might have gotten enough to pull this off anyway, if I'm lucky. Let's see… first I need a distraction, right? Okay, distraction, distraction… there has to be something. Meta, what do you have for distraction around here?"

"**Praising God**!"

"… … …"

"**Huzzah**!"

"… Right. Yeah. Sure." Yosuke said. "Why do I even ask you for help?"

"**I have no idea**!" Metatron shouted cheerfully.

"Yeah, neither do…" Yosuke said. "Wait a sec."

"**Very well! It has been a sec**!" Metatron shouted, pausing for the required one second.

"You. You're big. You're loud. You're shiny. You're stupid. You're _distracting_! You're just what I need to throw His Most Holy Jerkass off his game!"

Metatron blinked. "**Yosuke Hanamura, the Most High was my Creator! He is quite used to me by now**!"

Yosuke smiled downright wickedly. "Ooooooh, not the way I have planned. Trust me, he will have _no _idea what's going on. And the best part is, you can even say you helped me think of this, because in a roundabout way, you were my inspiration."

"… **Realistically speaking, I should not be helping you do this**!" Metatron bellowed doubtfully.

Yosuke leaned forward and explained Metatron's exact role in the plan.

"**Marvelous! I shall do it!**!" The angel roared even more enthusiastically than usual.

* * *

God floated in His chamber of contemplation at the center of the universe. He hummed a little tune as He contemplated His supreme power over reality. It was pretty sweet.

It was then that fate decided to annoy Him for the second time that day, as the doors to his chamber slammed open in spite of the fact that He had not invited anyone to open them. God prepared to deal with this situation in the way he dealt with most situations: smiting.

And then, for the first occasion in the history of time, God stopped dead in _utter _confusion.

Metatron stood in the doorway… or at least He assumed it was Metatron. It looked like Metatron, with one exception. The wardrobe was a bit... a bit...

"**I,**" Metatron bellowed, stepping boldly into God's presence while wearing an enormous, elaborate frilly pink dress. "**Am pretty!**"

"…" God said.

"**Like a Princess**!"

"**_I am really not sure what to say_**." God admitted.

"**Gaze upon my magnificent dress! It is made from fine silk and shall make me the most lovely lady at the ball**!" Metatron proclaimed.

"**_…__I should not have to point this out, my child, but thou art quite distinctly not a lady_**_."__  
_  
"**WHAT?! Art thou implying that I am a woman of loose morals?! I am insulted!**"

"…" God said.

Yosuke chose this moment to poke his head in, smiling like a used-car salesman. "So, everybody happy in here?"

"**Quite**!" Metatron… Metatronia?... roared.

"**_Mortal, under ordinary circumstances I imagine I would smite thee, but… well… dost thou know what is going on here_**?" God asked, just a twinge of desperation in His voice.

"I'll tell you what's going on here: my horrible influence." Yosuke said. "I'm just screwing everything up, aren't I? You know what would solve this problem? Bring me back to life. Get me out of here. Then you can get Meta out of this dress…"

"**Never! I shall be a laughingstock among the local ladies should I not wear a proper dress**!"

"**_Thou art not a woman_**!" God said, almost desperately. "**_And thou… restore thee to life? Dost thou have the slightest idea how much effort that would require? No, 'tis out of the question. I couldn't possibly_**…"

"Not that I'd ask you to do it for _free_." Yosuke said hurriedly, continuing his Souji-approved plan. "You know me, right? I'm a gifted guy. I've got certain… special skills. I could maybe give you a little help in certain areas."

God paused briefly. "**_Mortal, art thou hitting on me_?**" He asked.

"Wh- EW, no! Get your celestial mind out of the gutter, you pervert, I was offering to do community service or something! You know, with my super-powers! 'Persona' and all that stuff!" Yosuke snapped.

"**_Oh, okay, that makes more sense. I thought it was odd that thou thought thou had a shot at Me, when I am most obviously out of thy league_**," God said.

"Out of _my _league? Bitch, you would be lucky to land a prize like me…" Yosuke muttered.

"_**Hm… actually, that might be possible. I have been considering something, it was going to wait for a few centuries more, but if I get it done now I might be able to beat the Demons to the punch… very well, Mortal! I shall take thee into my service! Serve me well, and thy life shall be restored to thee**!_"

Yosuke sighed. "Fine, I get it, I guess I'll just leave before you smite m- wait, did you say 'yes'? Awesome!"

"**Awesome indeed**!" Metatron proclaimed. He had, somehow, acquired a bonnet and parasol.

"… _**My child, please leave, thou art creeping me out,**_" God pleaded.

"**Nay! Not so long as thou refuse to allow me to go to the sock hop at the local high school**!" Metatron proclaimed.

"…" God said.

"Focus, man!" Yosuke interjected. "Community service!"

"**_Eh? Ah! Right, right. Well, I've been thinking that humanity has not been very pious lately. It insults me. So I had considered, perhaps, starting My Judgement of their race early. I was going to wait until they had clearly passed beyond all hope and begun bringing demons into their world, but then I thought, 'why wait? They are already pretty sinful'. Then thou came along and it all just fit in very nicely_**."

"Wait, Judgement? You've lost me."**  
**  
"'**_Tis simple enough. Thou shalt be one of Mine Agents of Judgement against the foul, sinful human race. And to do this, thou shalt go to Earth as the aide of my greatest servant… SATAN_!"  
**  
As God spoke, a portal of utter blackness emerged in the twisting celestial landscape. From it emerged a nightmare. It looked vaguely like someone had taken an octopus and several snakes, stitched several vaguely winglike _things _to its back, then forcibly welded the whole thing to a seemingly random mish-mash of human body parts; six arms, six (for some reason Yosuke didn't want to think about) female breasts, and a face made of pure nightmares.

"**Blaaaaaarrgh! I am the sunderer of worlds**!" Satan roared.

"…Right then, you've still lost me." Yosuke said. Surprisingly calmly, all things considered.

* * *

**Author's Note: Souji tried his best, but even his plans only get you so far when dealing with these... people. **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, fan and otherwise. Hope you enjoy! **


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six: Hanamurapocalypse**

"Satan." Yosuke said.

**"All who know me shall despair! Let the universe tremble!" **Satan said.

"You want me to work with _Satan_." Yosuke repeated.

_**"He's really quite nice." **_God said.

**"Death to the infidels! I am the Wrath of God!" **Satan said.

_"__See? Wonderful fellow.__"_

"I thought… y'know, Satan didn't like you," Yosuke said.

**_"__No, no, that's Lucifer. Completely different entity.__"__  
_**

"Ah. Well. Okay. So, um… what am I supposed to help Satan… do?" Yosuke asked glumly.

**_"__Judge humanity's sins.__"_**

"All right… but how?"

**"Kill them all! Obliterate the entire corrupt race with SPACE LASERS!" **Satan said helpfully. **  
**  
"Okay, su… wait, what?"

**"Lasers! From Space! We shall seize a laser satellite and rain fiery death upon all the nations of the world!"  
**  
"… _WHY_?!" Yosuke asked.

**"I don't understand the question."  
**  
"Why do you want to wipe out all of mankind with space lasers?! That's not a very good judgment!"

**"… Why not?"**Satan asked.**  
**  
"Well, I mean, shouldn't you give them a chance to… prove their worth, or apologize?!"

**"Nah."**Satan said.**  
**  
**"_I'm cool with the lasers_." **God said.

**"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright!" **Metatron bellowed**.**

"Shut up! Everyone shut up!" Yosuke snapped. "You know what?! I give up! I give up trying to reason with you people, because it cannot be done! You're all batshit insane jackasses!"**  
**  
**"Even me?!"**Metatron whimper-shouted.

"… Okay, not you. You're just a moron," Yosuke admitted.**  
**  
**"Huzzah!"  
**  
"My point is: I'm done. I'm not bargaining with you, I'm not helping you, I don't care. I'll stay dead before I assist you in any way whatsoever!" Yosuke snapped, directly at where he assumed God's face was.

Instantly, a swirling vortex of darkness erupted from the floor, and the screams of the damned emerged from it.**  
**  
"… Actually, I might be willing to reconsider." Yosuke said quickly.

"**As much as I enjoy thy fear, impudent whelp, that is actually not my doing,"** God said.

"_'Tis mine!_" Proclaimed a new voice, belonging to some kind of... blue-skinned, six-winged demon thing that burst from the chaotic pit. It was less hideous than Satan, but really that wasn't saying a whole lot. "_I am Lucifer, the Rebel King of Hell, Emperor of Demons and Lord of Chaos! Yosuke Hanamura, thy rebellious heart has granted me entry back into the Kingdom from which I was cast out! Now, I shall induct thee into the Legions of Hell!_"

"... Things just got worse, didn't they?" Yosuke asked.

"**Oh my, yes!" **Metatron said.

Yosuke sighed in resignation. He was used to worseness at this point. "So. Lucifer."

"_Yes,_" Lucifer said.

"Different from Satan?"

"**Suffer for all time, manling!**" Satan roared.

"_Quite so,_" Lucifer confirmed. "_For one thing, I hold less fondness for space lasers_."

"Well, all right, Lu. I'm going to be honest with you here; I am pretty disillusioned with Heaven at the moment. So if you're offering me a shot at being alive, I'm willing to listen."

"_Excellent! Here is my offer: I would very much like to overthrow the All-mighty and reign over Heaven and Hell alike. To do this, I have assembled an army of demons, powerful enough to raze Heaven and destroy the Creator. All I lack now is a general: A rebellious soul of great power to lead my army to victory. Thou, Yosuke, are just such a soul! Once we overthrow God and rule over all of creation, restoring thee to life will be child's play. What say you?_"

"Sounds good..." Yosuke began.

"_Excellent again! Come now, abandon these fools and descend with…_"

"...What's the catch?" Yosuke finished.

"_Excuse me_?"

"This guy," Yosuke said, motioning at God, "Offered me a similar deal. Only the catch was, I'd have to kill everybody on earth."

"**With space lasers! Burn and destroy!**" Satan confirmed.

"Yes, like that." Yosuke agreed. "Now you show up, and I can't help but feel that there's probably something bad about your arrangement too. Now, what is it?"

Lucifer looked a little embarrassed. "_Ah, yes. I was hoping thou would not ask that. See, Earth is somewhat between Heaven and Hell, so to invade it is necessary to… go through it._"

"Ah. So you want me to lead a horde of ravening demon monsters right through Earth?"

"_A little bit, yes._"

"And, they being demons and all, roughly how much damage would they cause while doing this?"

"… _How much value can you really put on life? I could tell thee, but 'twould just be a number, a statistic, meaningless really. Certainly, I could say 'one thousand' or 'one million', or 'ninety-eight point five percent of humanity'…_"

"That last one was oddly specific," Yosuke said coldly.

"… _Yes. I was also hoping you wouldn't notice that._" Lucifer admitted.

"Right. Okay. I'm going to come right out and say it." Yosuke said, looking back and forth between God and Lucifer. "You two are both horrible. Why is it you offer me a pair of choices that are _equally atrocious _yet both also seem to assume that I should be enthusiastic to be on your side?!"

"_**Actually, thou would be surprised how often that pops up in these games,**_" God said.

"… These what?"

"_**Nothing. My point is: sometimes thou have to just choose between an incredible, amazing deity that wants to kill all humans, or a treacherous, deceitful fallen demon who also wants to kill all humans.**_"

"_Only 98.5%! 'Twould still be leaving one point five percent more than Captain McLaser over there!_" Lucifer protested.

"**Blarrgh!**" Satan said.

"_Nobody thinks that's cool, you know._"

"That's true," Yosuke agreed. "Nobody thinks _any _of you are cool, because you're _all dicks _and the afterlife sucks on every level imaginable! Except Meta, he's all right."

"**Huzzah!**" Metatron shouted.

"_So… thou choose neither of us?_" Lucifer asked.

"Damn straight!" Yosuke confirmed.

God and Lucifer looked at each other. "_Soooo… wanna just go ahead with Armageddon then? I mean, we're both right here, we might as well get it over with,_" Lucifer asked.

"What?!" Yosuke asked.

"_**Very well,**_" God agreed.

"_Excellent. I'll be back with my army of destruction,_" Lucifer said, disappearing.

"**Oh! I'd better go start killing all the humans before all the humans die!**" Satan said, disappearing as well.

Yosuke stared in stunned silence for a long, long time.

"Did… did I just end the world?" Yosuke asked.

"**Looks like!**" Metatron shouted. "**Congratulations! I'm am fairly certain that makes thee the most important human in history! There will not be many books describing how essential thou wert once Earth is a cinder, but 'tis still quite an accomplishment!**"

"… … … Yay?" Yosuke said, not really sure what else to say to that one. He looked down through the cloud, seeing the Earth begin to burn as hordes of demons and angels made war. "I'm going to be honest, Meta. When I woke up this morning, I was not expecting to end the world."

"**At least thou did it indirectly! When the universe ends and all thy friends and family die, thou can claim it was not intentional!**" Metatron shouted encouragingly. He patted Yosuke on the back.

"Ouch." Yosuke said as the metal hand nearly knocked his shoulder out of its socket. "I hate you, man."

"**No, I do not think you do!**" Metatron shouted with an air of certainty.

"No, I really do. I hate you less than everyone else here, but I still don't like you." Yosuke said. "It's mostly because you're stupid."

"**I suppose that is fair enough!**" Metatron admitted.

"But then, 'stupid' is the best compliment I've been able to give to anyone around here," Yosuke said in annoyance. "At least you're not _actively malevolent_, unlike the pricks who seem to run things. Honestly, how hard could it be?! How hard could it be to have _one person_ in a position of power that isn't a selfish, arrogant, genocidal asshole?! Even down on Earth we can usually manage to have _one _guy! How is it possible that a place filled with immortal superhumans can't pull that off?!"

"**Oh, you wanted to talk to someone reasonable?!**" Metatron shout-asked. "**Thou should have mentioned this before!**"

"… I did." Yosuke said. His eyes narrowed dangerously at the recognition that he was once again about to get really, really angry at Meta.

"**No, thou said thou wished to speak to God! He is not reasonable!**" Metatron said. "**There is, however, someone else who is much nicer and might have enough power to help thee! Perhaps even yet undo the Apocalypse that is your fault!**"

Yosuke was openly quivering with rage. He knew he shouldn't ask, but he couldn't stop himself at this point. "And. You. Didn't. Mention. This. Earlier. _Because?!_" He said, each word higher-pitched than the last until he was nearly shrieking.

"**I'm pretty sure I did!**" Metatron said cheerfully.

Yosuke wasn't sure if he should make one last, futile attempt to murder Metatron, or just break down crying.

* * *

Yosuke and Metatron walked through the deepest parts of Heaven. Well, Meta flew, but you know.

"Wow, this place is pretty empty." Yosuke said, looking around at the blank cloudscape. Other than Meta, there wasn't an angel in sight.

"**He doesn't get along with us very well, and so locates his home in a mostly uninhabited area!**" Metatron said. "**He says that Angels are loud and annoying and always listen to what a crazy jerkass tells us to do! What a silly boy he is!**"

"I think I like this guy already." Yosuke muttered.

"That's good. I like you too, Yosuke Hanamura." Said a warm, gentle voice. In contrast to God's booming or Lucifer's 'too smooth to be trustworthy', this was quiet, calm, and instantly filled one with a sense of peace.

Despite Meta's claim that 'his home' was here, the… being appeared directly from the clouds. His entire body was solid white, and looked almost like porcelain. He was clad in some kind of armor, but it seemed to be the same material as his skin, so it was not obvious if it was actually clothes or a part of him. Attached to his back was… wings? They didn't look like exactly winglike, though given that there seemed to be a central portion that made them look almost like he had a cross attached to…

"… Oh. _Oh!_" Yosuke said. "You're…"

"I've had many names in many lives, some you know and most of which you probably don't, for they were simple lives for the well-being of others. All of them apply to me equally well, so for now just call me 'Messiah'. It fits well enough." The white being said. "Or I suppose _you _could call me 'the only one who can help you that also wants to'."

Yosuke fell to his knees. "Oh, thank God."

"No, please don't. He's mean," The Messiah said. "Now, why don't you sit down, and we'll work on fixing this Apocalypse of yours?"

"...Not my fault," Yosuke muttered.

* * *

**Author's Note: I couldn't help it. A P3 reference needed to leak in at some point. **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, both fanfiction and published. Hope you enjoy! **


	7. Chapter Seven

**Chapter Seven: Jesus is Just All Right With Me**

"Wow." Messiah said appreciatively, looking down at the Earth. "You really did ruin the world, didn't you Yosuke? I mean, in just the few hours of angel/demon warfare, nearly three billion people have already died! That makes you responsible for more deaths than any other human being in history, in case you were curious."

"It wasn't on purpose!" Yosuke said defensively.

"True, and that's why I'm agreeing to help you." Messiah said. "Now, let's get to saving the world. Don't worry, I do this sort of thing all the time."

"Really? Like when?"

"Well… remember awhile back, when the incarnation of Death came out of the moon and destroyed all life?" Messiah asked.

"Um, no?"

"Exactly."

"… Aaaaaaaaah." Yosuke said. "I get ya."

"That was some of my best work." Messiah said wistfully. "Though I'll admit I couldn't have pulled it off without those crazy kids and that robot. And the dog."

"Okay, I'm currently involved in a case to solve murders behind the television with a talking bear, and even I think you're making that up." Yosuke said.

"I don't blame you. The whole experience was kinda trippy." Messiah admitted. "But lately it hasn't been that interesting. My main thing recently has been trying to keep your friend Souji under control."

"W-what? Souji's going to destroy the world?!" Yosuke asked.

"Hmmm… not directly. It's just that I have to keep suppressing his powers as a chick magnet, or he'd attract every girl in your hometown to be his girlfriend. This wouldn't matter, except that one of them is dating a guy who goes on to work as a scientist in about twenty years. If he's happily married, he invents a new type of power plant that turns pollution into electricity. But if he gets his heart broken in high school, he becomes bitter and invents a satellite that shoots lasers, and… well, you've met Satan."

"…ah. I see the problem." Yosuke admitted.

"Yeah. And now you… it's like I'm saving the world from your world-saving group twenty-four-seven these days." Messiah said dryly. "Luckily, you are a simple case. Y'see, God and Lucifer both tend to miss out on the little things. Sometimes, one small change is enough to rock the whole world. And for you, that one small change is: duck."

"How is a bird going to…"

"Not that kind! I am going to send you back in time. You will, while astrally projecting, possess your former body, and when the time comes for you to die, you dodge it! Simple, right? If you never die, none of this ever happens!"

"Aaaaaaah! Okay, that makes… wait, I can possess people?!"

"Of course. Didn't Metatron tell you?" Messiah asked in turned to Metatron, eyes narrowed.

"**I am pretty sure I told you that**!" Meta shouted.

"You know what? You're not worth it." Yosuke said. "Okay, so I keep myself from dying. Won't that make a time loop or something?"

"Hmmm… maybe a little. There will be some chronal baggage, I'm sure, but since you'll be possessing your own body it shouldn't be too bad. I think you'll just kinda merge into your past self. It's all very zen."

"Oh, that's good."

"Or space/time will collapse. But the world is ending anyway, right?"

"Yeah. Less good…" Yosuke said. "But like you said, might as well give it a shot, right? Okay. Let's… let's do this."

"**Yosuke Hanamura**!" Metatron shouted. "**It was… good to know thee! Thou shalt be missed!"**

Yosuke considered this confession, and said the only thing that came to mind. "Can't say the same."

"**I was largely useless**!" Metatron shout-admitted.

"Not unusual for you, sadly," Messiah said dryly. "All right, Yosuke, hold still, and if it feels like the universe is melting that's just because your feeble human mind is being overwhelmed by the sheer crushing flow of Time Itself. Just close your eyes and think of math."

* * *

Yosuke hit the ground running.

Well, okay, no, he just hit the ground _hard_. Turned out that going back in time wasn't terribly different, in terms of impact, than just going down to Earth in general.

"Ow," He said. But at least it seemed to have worked; looking around, he saw not even a little bit of demons. Demon-free zone. "All right! Now I just need to possess myself and..."

Oh, shit.

He was right there, right on the street. And the truck was _already approaching_.

"A buffer zone would have been great!" Yosuke snarled, rising to his feet and sprinting toward his past self. For the love of Go... er Messiah, he had no idea how to even _do_ this. How did one go about possessing oneself?

With no other options, Yosuke took a flying leap into his own chest.

The sensation was... unlike anything else. Like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into the tube, only he was the toothpaste and his body was the tube, and... actually, that didn't really describe it either, because at the same time, you suddenly went back to things like needing to breathe, having a heartbeat, a million little sensations that all hit simultaneously and...

_Crap, piano!_ Yosuke thought, a loud sound filling him with the knowledge that the collision had occurred and a really heavy thing was rushing at his head, this new intelligence quickly overcoming the feeling of having a body again. Yosuke, not one to turn down good advice (usually), did as Messiah had suggested.

He ducked.

Now, to him, it was nothing. He knew it was coming, and ducked before anything became an issue.

To his _friends_? It looked rather like he had just dodged, in an impossibly smooth motion, with Matrix-like reflexes, something he had not even seen coming.

"... Damn," Chie said.

"Yosuke?" Souji asked, eyes wide. "How the _Hell_ did you do that?"

Yosuke smiled at them, happier than he'd been since the first time he died. He was alive. He was back! He'd survived and time was still there, even! All that remained was the most important part: witty closing comment, to bring this whole story to a perfect close.

Yosuke smirked at his best friend. "How the Hell? More like how the Heav..."

Before he could finish the word, a horrible shrieking metal-on-metal noise resounded through the street. Something huge and black slammed into his field of vision, and the world went red, then dark, as he felt something snap in his neck.

"_Holy crap!_" Chie screamed.

"... What," Souji said.

* * *

When Yosuke opened his eyes, he groaned to see the fluffy white clouds.

"**Welcome back, Yosuke Hanamura**!" Metatron shouted. "**How went thy quest**?!"

"Meta... if it had gone well..." Yosuke growled. "_I wouldn't be here!_"

"**Aaaah! Yes, that makes sense**!" Metatron agreed. What a clever angel.

"What happened?! I dodged the piano, so what killed me?!" Yosuke demanded.

Messiah rubbed his temples to fight off the headache. "You got hit by _two_ pianos, champ."

"... Son of a _bitch_!"

"Don't worry, don't worry. I'm the living manifestation of the divine impulse of salvation that protects all sentient life," Messiah said. "I can handle a few more runs on this. We'll just rewind the causality of the universe an eensy bit, and try this again. Just try to remember to duck, and then kinda move out of the way, okay?"

Messiah waved his hand, and Yosuke vanished in a puff of destiny. "He'll be fine, I'm sure. Right?" Messiah asked Metatron. "He's an intelligent guy. I'm sure that this first time was just a fluke."

"**Verily, I doth have the greatest of faith in Yosuke Hanamura!" **Metatron said.

Yosuke then appeared on the cloudbank in exactly the same spot he had been less than five seconds ago. Messiah sighed and rubbed his temples. "Yosuke. It went piano, piano, _car_. Did you remember the car? Did you?"

"Not... in the strictest sense," Yosuke admitted sheepishly.

"I am trying to preserve your corporeal existence, Yosuke. I am really putting in so much effort," Messiah grumbled. "You could at least put an equal amount of energy into this, considering it is _your own life_."

"Hey, I'm _trying!_" Yosuke said. "It's not my fault I had the most complicated death in the history of time. It's hard to remember all the details!"

Messiah sighed. "Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I know it's not like you're doing on purpose. You're not Metatron."

"**I am far shinier!" **Metatron said, confirming this.

"You have a long way to go before you're Metatron. At least you're making a vague effort," Messiah said sadly. "All right. Hold still, and remember: piano, piano, car. We can _do _this, Yosuke. I know it's possible."

Yosuke nodded in determination. "Definitely! This is the time I'll get this _done_."

_**Seventeen Attempts Later...**_

Messiah sighed as Yosuke re-appeared. "Again? Really? I thought we had it this time."

"I did exactly what you said! I turned and ran back into the school as soon as I landed, then hid under my desk!" Yosuke protested.

"And how did you manage to die despite this?" Messiah asked. "No, wait, mostly omniscient. Somehow a piece of shrapnel from the car exploding shot up through the window of the classroom, ricocheted off a support beam in the ceiling, and exploded your skull."

"**The universe appears to **_**deeply **_**want thou dead, Yosuke Hanamura!" **Metatron said helpfully.

"Yes, thank you, Meta," Yosuke said. "We need a plan to get around that."

"**Indeed!**" Metatron shouted helpfully. "**In many cases, cool-headed, logical planning can indeed aid thee in snatching victory from the jaws of defeat!" **

"Do you actually _have _such a plan, Meta?" Yosuke asked, presumably because he was a glutton for punishment.

"**It might shock you to learn that I do not**!" Metatron roared.

"Not so much as you might think," Yosuke muttered. "So, are we just boned, then? Because I'm going to be honest, this is the tenth or so time I've died..."

"Twentieth, counting the original time," Messiah murmured.

"... And it's getting kinda old," Yosuke finished. "Maybe we should just find some lawnchairs and watch the Apocalypse. It has a lot of pretty lights."

"No!" Messiah snarled. "I have saved your infantile monkey-species from worse threats than this! When the first of you to discover fire almost incinerated the forebears of your race by accident, I made it rain and stopped gerbils from becoming the dominant species on the planet. When you discovered nuclear power, I'm the one who altered the composition of the gasses in your atmosphere to make sure it wouldn't ignite and scour the world in atomic death. And don't even get me _started _on all the finagling I had to do with the Great Chicken War!"

"Um, I don't think there _was_ ever a Great Chicken War..." Yosuke said.

"_Exactly!_" Messiah snapped. "Sweet Me Christ, I have saved your world from itself a thousand times in a thousand ways, and I am _not _going to let it all be undone right now by the death of one absolutely insignificant twerp from Japan!"

"... Harsh, dude," Yosuke muttered.

Messiah sighed, rubbing His temples. "Yes. Yes. I know, and I'm sorry. I'm just a bit frustrated, Yosuke Hanamura. I mean, nothing personal, but saving humanity usually doesn't take this much _effort_. You just seem to be going out of your way to make all My best efforts flop around and die like... well, like _yourself. _And I know you're not doing it on purpose, but it's just very hard not to take it personally when I'm tired like this."

"Um... well. I could always try like, running off down the street, and maybe hiding under a parked car..." Yosuke began.

"Tried that seven attempts ago. You got attacked by a rabid cat that was hiding under the same car, and it chased you back out onto the street where you were trampled to death by a crowd fleeing the scene," Messiah said wearily.

"Oh, right," Yosuke said, chuckling fondly. "That was a pretty crazy one. I totally got to see up this one girl's skirt as she stomped my face..."

"Yosuke! This is _not _the time for your perversions!" Messiah scolded him. "The time and circumstances of your time of death appear to have somehow been a multi-tiered transcendent death-trap formed specifically to hunt you down and obliterate you with no hope of escape, and finding a way out of that is a bit more important than reminiscing about underwear!"

"... They were _white_," Yosuke said.

"I have never hated anyone or anything in my entire existence," Messiah said gently. "But you may be the one who finally teaches me how."

"Well, I'm glad I was able to help you out a li-"

"That was not a compliment."

"Oh."

"**The problem, I fear, is that Yosuke Hanamura is a squishy weakling! Tiny is his body, soft and brittle are his bones, pasty and unhealthy is his skin! He seems, indeed, to have a being created entirely to die!" **Metatron roared helpfully.

"... Gee. Thanks, Meta," Yosuke said.

"**Thou art quite welcome, dear friend Yosuke!" **Metatron screamed gratefully.

"Wait. Waaaaaaaaaaaait," Messiah said, a slightly deranged spark entering His eye. "Metatron has a point. If we can arrange things right... yes, it will be breaking a few rules, but if he acts right... and we'll need a wig, of course, can't pull it off without a wig. The wig is what _makes _the whole plan."

"... Why do we need a wig...?" Yosuke asked.

Messiah smiled, his expression visibly unbalanced. "We need to make a _Yosuke._"

"I am... so confused," Yosuke said.

"Don't try to think. Just grab Metatron and help me find a brown wig," Messiah said with a gleeful cackle.

"**I am the center of attention!" **Metatron roared proudly.

* * *

At the time and place of Yosuke's death, the gang walked forward blissfully unaware of what was to come. Twenty times before they had trod this path, as time wound and rewound around them. The rest of the gang walking ahead. Rise falling behind, kneeling to tie her shoes. Yosuke stopping to look at her. The truck turning the corner, driver asleep at the wheel.

This was when things changed.

There was a flash of light, and Yosuke was gone. In his place was a being of solid, silvery metal, who stood at least ten feet tall. His chest was carved into the appearance of muscles, and great clockwork wings extended from his back. On his head, atop the metallic black hair, he wore what appeared to be a brown wig.

"**I**," it roared, "**Am Yosuke Hanamura! Stand in awe of my power and glory, mortals of the earthly realm!" **

Souji reacted to this in the only way that made sense. "... What."

The truck approaching them snapped around, suddenly, its driver desperately turning in an attempt to avoid Rise and sending the trailer snapping like a whip. The cargo shifted violently, bursting out of the container. The piano flew through the air...

... And slammed into the metal creature's head full-force, shattering on impact. The metallic giant was not only not harmed, he wasn't even _moved_. His head didn't so much as budge from the impact.

"**That did not actually strike me, and therefore I am logically not dead!**" 'Yosuke' shouted. "**Indeed, for the body of a frail human such as myself, Yosuke Hanamura, could never survive such a thing!" **

With a hideous shrieking crunching noise, a second truck slammed into the first one. This impact apparently dislodged something, because a second piano flew from the wreck... to once again shatter harmlessly on impact with 'Yosuke.' "**And again! I must state unto all of thee that any appearance or memories that thou hast of a piano striking myself, the perfectly normal human schoolboy Yosuke Hanamura, wert nothing but an optical illusion! Ignore me, for I am perfectly human!" **

"... ... ... I... that... what...?" Naoto said, her brilliant detective's mind clearly going full-throttle.

"**I enjoy electronic games, watching sporting competitions, and viewing the bared bodies of female humans, as is proper for a human male of my developmental status!" **'Yosuke' roared as a car slammed into him at full speed. He did not appear to notice it.

Rise's mouth kind of opened and closed a few times, but she did not say anything.

"Did Yosuke-kun get taller?" Yukiko asked.

Kanji reached into his backpack, withdrew a bottle of saké, and threw it into a nearby trashcan. "Never touching this stuff again..." he muttered.

A second car slammed into 'Yosuke,' and exploded. A pair of very dazed drivers leapt from the flames, rolling to put them out as best they could, followed by 'Yosuke'. He was on fire too, he just didn't appear to notice, his metallic skin glowing red-hot. "**Thou art imagining all of this!**" he said once again. **"Come, friends, let us forget these events which art logically impossible, and go now the local municipal store that we might consume frozen treats!" **

"Holy _crap_," Chie whispered, her mouth hanging open in awe.

"_What._" Souji said.

A massive wave of snarling, feral gerbils and rabid cats, their eyes glazed over with bloodlust, came roaring down the street. 'Yosuke' waved his hand, incinerating them all with a wave of pure white flame. "**I have smote my enemies with Holy Flame, as normal teenage boys are wont to do! Gaze upon my averageness and tremble!" **he roared.

A military drone flying overhead lost control its onboard computer and fired several hunter-killer missiles, which 'Yosuke' blasted out of the sky with his normal teenage human laser eyebeams.

"**Together we shall go to the local sock-hop! I shall wear the prettiest of all dresses!" **'Yosuke' said.

"... the what of all what?" Naoto asked, her keen investigative mind once again leaping to the forefront.

"**Farewell, my human friends! I go now to return to the heavens above!" **'Yosuke' shouted. "**Or rather, that is what I would say, were I not a normal human teenage boy who is going to stay exactly where I am now!" **

There was a second explosion of divine light, and Yosuke was once again... Yosuke.

"Um... hi, guys?" Yosuke said.

"_**What." **_Souji said.

* * *

**Author's Note: METATRON WAS USEFUL! HUZZAH, AND PRAISE BE UNTO HEAVEN! **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, fanfic and original fiction alike. Hope you enjoy! **


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Yosuke Hanamura, This Was... Erm, Will Be Your Life**

It was amazing how quickly things calmed down.

Yosuke supposed that was just the cost of their way of doing business. One of his best friends was an animated mascot costume that had grown a human boy inside it, and they spent long stretches of time each day going inside a TV to fight monsters that may or may not have been people's feelings. Was a giant metal man showing up and fighting trucks really that hard to buy?

Still, he did notice that his friends were a little weird around him for a few days. Souji just kept staring at him, and Yosuke was pretty sure he saw him mouthing "What?" under his breath every so often.

Naoto took this even further. She consistently could be found outside his classroom with a notebook labelled "Theories of Human Transmutation," and appeared to be taking exhaustive research notes on the state of Yosuke's... Yosukeness. He really wasn't sure what she was looking for, to be frank, and suspected neither did she. He just knew that she was popping up more and more often, and three days after his death was erased from history, he found a hidden camera under his desk at home.

He'd tried to give it back to Naoto, but she just smiled and said she had no idea what he was talking about. Yosuke had the uncomfortable suspicion that this was the camera he had been _meant _to find and there was another somewhere.

Kanji had gone through on his promise and stopped drinking alcohol. His GPA had gone up 0.4 points, which suggested he had actually been into the booze a lot more than any of them had ever realized, which Yosuke honestly found kind of impressive. He was _amazing _at hiding it. Kanji himself just shrugged and stated that he considered this increase in his grades a secondary benefit to making sure he never had to see the great metal man ever again, calling it "Seriously damn freaky, you guys have no idea."

Rise had chosen to go into denial. If questioned on the event, she would simply declare it to be a dream, and if reminded that everyone had seen the exact same thing, would leap through any hoops she needed to in order to explain that away in the same way. These included group dreaming, a phenomenon in which many people who were asleep in the same area would have the same dream. This was notably both not a thing, and couldn't have been the case even if it was because everyone else involved was very sure they were awake. Rise, in turn, would claim that she was probably dreaming again, right now, and proceed to ignore everyone around her until they just backed off and let her stay blissfully convinced nothing had happened.

Yukiko was the easiest to handle. She just insisted on measuring Yosuke's height one time, and was dissapointed when he didn't turn out to be taller than she remembered. After that, she dropped the subject altogether, apparently satisfied that nothing she had seen was in any way odd.

Yosuke wasn't sure if Yukiko's brain worked the same way as human brains.

Chie was the worst, of course, because Chie was always the worst. While everyone else was willing to quietly forget Yosuke's adventures (Or at least, in the case of Souji and Naoto, pretend to forget it while secretly trying to dissect him with their minds), Chie was absolutely not willing to let things drop. And so, she spent an unfortunate amount of time trying to bring the big metal man back out so she could see him again, and the only way she could think to do this, being Chie, was to put Yosuke in physical danger.

For the first three or so days after his miraculous rebirth, she stuck to minor things. Throwing pens, tripping him in the hallways, tipping glasses of water onto his back when he wasn't looking. When that produced no results, using the kind of experimental fervor that she had never had in science class, Chie upped the ante. Pens became rocks. Water became ice. Still nothing.

On day seven, Yosuke's nose was broken when he opened the door to homeroom and Chie just plain kicked him in the face.

Nor was this the end. She hunted him relentlessly, even into the hospital, launching several increasingly deadly attacks. Chie's love of kung fu was not limited to movies; she actually _knew that stuff_. Yosuke was a strong guy and in the TV world with a Persona behind him, he knew he was a hot hand in a fight. In the real world, Chie _could_ and made a serious attempt _to _break him in half with her feet. She was only stopped when Souji and Kanji together forcibly sat her down and pointed out that logically speaking, what they had seen that day had to be a hallucination. And even if it was not, then if a week of beating on Yosuke hadn't made it happen again, it probably wasn't going to. Chie had been sad, but said, "Well, I couldn't find any TNT anyway."

This was the beginning of Chie's five weeks of school-mandated therapy to control her violent impulses. Yosuke found it long overdue.

Still, things got better soon enough. The weird looks in the hall began to decline, and even Naoto seemed to have moved on (though Yosuke still had the sneaking suspicion there was a camera somewhere in his house. Her comments that he should eat more vegetables seemed just a little bit too well-informed). Everything seemed to be going back to something not entirely unlike normality. Or at least, as close as it ever got.

Until one rainy night when everything went wrong.

Yosuke had never seen Souji this broken. Not in any of the cases, not when he'd been temporarily and in an alternate timeline revealed as a serial philanderer, and not (Yosuke noted with some bitterness) when Yosuke himself had been killed by two pianos and a car. But then, as much as Yosuke would have preferred everyone be a _little _more dismayed by his own horrible death, he couldn't blame them for taking this particular kidnapping harder than anything else.

Nanako had been taken, and it was only normal that this would hurt Souji more than anything else.

Nobody on the team, _nobody_, would be okay with anybody at all hurting one single hair on Nanako's head. When she had been taken by Namatame, they had fallen to pieces in the space of minutes, and when she was taken into the TV world, Souji had wanted to jump immediately after her despite not knowing where the portal might lead. Yosuke couldn't blame him; he'd considered doing the same thing himself. There wasn't one member of the team who wouldn't have thrown themselves into mortal danger to protect their surrogate "little sis."

But the fact was, if something happened to them, she was doomed. They needed to be calm, approach things rationally, and not rush.

So naturally, each and every one of them had rushed into Junes the second it opened the very next morning and agreed to go in after her without the slightest hesitation. And to them... this _was _not rushing.

They walked through the fog, following Rise as she unerringly led them to their destination, and Yosuke felt a deep sense of foreboding. He wished he could say it was something to do with the obvious; the TV world was always a dangerous place, and poor Nanako was trapped in it with a killer. But in truth, that didn't feel right. There was something deeper about this feeling. Something... personal.

"All right," Rise said. "I think we're h—oh my."

"It's so beautiful..." Yukiko said. "Like a storybook vision of Heave-"

"No," Yosuke said, his face paling and his words falling into a terrified hush. "No. This can't be happening. I got out. Robot Jesus _said I got out!_"

"... Wait, what?" Souji said after ten solid minutes of confused silence broken only by Yosuke's whimpers of horror.

"Clouds!" Yosuke screamed. "Fluffy white clouds! Clouds and angels everywhere, no escape! _No escape!_"

"I... Yosuke, this is really not the appropriate reaction to... anything," Souji said flatly.

"I fought so hard to get out, I can't go back in! Robot Jesus said I would be out!" Yosuke wailed, hiding behind Teddie.

"Wow, and I thought he reacted badly to Kanji's gay porn dungeon," Chie said.

"Kanji's what now?" Rise asked, her eyes lighting up.

"It was _not _a gay porn dungeon! It was just a bathhouse!" Kanji snarled.

"Well, that's boring," Rise pouted.

"Rise-san, please try to focus," Naoto said delicately. "Nanako-chan is still in danger, and Yosuke-senpai appears to be having a major psychological breakdown. This is actually a very urgent situation..."

"Maybe we should just leave him here?" Yukiko suggested. "I mean... only three of us and Souji can go inside anyway."

"... Which, now that you mention it, I've always kinda wondered about," Chie said. "Like, why don't we all go in together? It seems like that would be safer. And there's not really any need to split up because all these dungeons always just end up going down to a single room anyway, so..."

"Really not the time, Chie," Souji said. The last time Chie got curious about something, after all, she'd nearly put Yosuke in the hospital a few times. _Though, _he admitted silently as he knelt in front of his whimpering friend, m_aybe he should be in _some _kind of professional care right now_.

"Yosuke?" Souji asked. "You in there, buddy?"

"The clouds... the clouds..." Yosuke muttered over and over.

"Yeah, they're... pretty fluffy," Souji said, trying his hardest to make it sound like he understood why that was a bad thing.

It should have been noted that for anyone else, this would have been a losing battle. Severe PTSD (Paradise Traumatic Stress Disorder) had left Yosuke with roughly the same psychological processing power as a cabbage. But Souji was special, even among the team. Naoto was smarter, Kanji was stronger, Chie more skilled at combat, Yukiko had better hair, and Teddie... um... Teddie... crap, I got this one. Teddie... he... well, he... AH! Yeah, he made those squeaky noises when he walked, Souji couldn't do that, at least not without specialized footwear. But Souji had one thing that none of his teammates possessed: the ability to look into a person's eyes and tell them exactly What They Wanted to Hear.

This was the reason he was the leader. This was the reason that all of his freetime was spent psychologically rebuilding random strangers, and the reason that literally four out of the seven other people in this room were dating him and totally willing to beat the others senseless with a rock to keep him. Souji might not have been able to single-handedly beat down criminals or outwit them with peerless ease, but give him twenty minutes alone with them and he could probably talk them into turning themselves in (after helping them reconcile with their abusive parents and work up the courage to marry their childhood sweetheart).

He looked deep into Yosuke's eyes now, and he used this power.

"Don't worry, Yosuke," he said, the words flowing forth without any knowledge on his part. He was merely a vessel, and the words poured through him with no effort from himself. "My level isn't high enough to fuse Metatron yet."

Yosuke blinked. "He... he isn't here...?"

"He won't be. He's gone," Souji said soothingly. He had no idea what he was talking about, he just _knew _it was the right thing to say.

"O-of course he isn't. This isn't Heaven... it's too nice to be Heaven..." Yosuke said, giggling nervously.

"It's a fog-covered dungeon of horror in a world full of terrifying monsters," Naoto said.

"Like I said, too nice to be heaven," Yosuke said, rising to his feet. "Yeah... yeah, this can't be... that place. Hahahaha... yeah, yeah! Everything is totally okay!"

"My cousin is in the hands of a lethal madman," Souji said, just a tiny bit bitterly.

"Yeah," Yosuke said, smiling with renewed calm and serenity. "But at least God isn't watching over her."

"... Y'know, I just don't _get _him anymore," Chie said.

* * *

"**I feel that 'twas quite rude!" **Metatron shouted, looking down on the scene from his seat in Paradise. He was wearing an elaborate, but quite tasteful white dress (he was not some amoral slattern, thank you), and his tone suggested less that he was genuinely hurt by Yosuke's joy at his absence, and more that his favorite football team had just scored a touchdown.

"I don't know," Messiah said, idly reaching his omnipotence down to brush aside more Love Waves that Souji was emanating. Honestly, letting that boy into the human subconscious was just a recipe for disaster. "I would certainly be happy if I never had to see you again."

"**But I bring joy and love to all who see me, as befits the most glorious of princesses!" **Metatron shouted-protested.

_"**Mine child, I must again state that thou art not a princess,**"_ spoke a divine voice from the Heavens. Erm... higher in the Heavens.

Messiah rolled his eyes. "Dad, you know you're supposed to ask before you come over here. You're semi-omniscient but can't remember to knock?"

_"**I am the Lord thy God, and may come unto any place at any time. To bar My holy path is to be smote by Mine Own divine Fury." **_

"Sure thing. But if you don't mind, I'm busy trying to keep a lid on Apocalypse #7,456, so..."

"**_I shalt never understand whyest thou waste thy time with yon feeble nothing-apes, mine Son._" **

"And I shall never understand why you take such frankly creepy interest in killing them all, so we're even."

"**_Verily dost it annoy me greatly that they often art not slavishly devoted to Mine every whim. Also, plotting the Apocalypse does truly make Satan so cheerful._" **

"So glad I took after mom," Messiah muttered. "Look, dad. Does this visit have something to do with something, or can I get back to making sure the world stays spinning?"

God sighed sadly. "_**Such a disappointment thou hast been. Thou failest to speak with Divine Gravitas. Thou dost not demand worship from the masses. Thou even go out of thy way to ****avoid ****laying waste to the dominions of man." **_

**"Milord, thou has not even **_**noticed **_**my amazing new gown!" **Metatron shouted. "**Enraged and scandalized am I!" **

"**..._ Granted, thou art not the most disappointing of mine children, I givest thou this much,_**_" _God admitted._ "**But still, what the Heaven, son?" **_

Messiah sighed. "You know, I think it might be the saddest thing in the universe that you don't get it," he said, reaching down to erase more of Souji's love radiations before they could seep into the collective unconsciousness of humanity. "Because the sad thing is, if you actually have to ask, you will not understand any explanation that I have to give. So I'll just say that unlike you, and Lucifer, and Captain McLaser..."

"**_Verily, know that Satan dost hate that nickname._" **

"... I actually look down on those tiny, silly, stupid little mortals and think that they just might have to the potential to be something more. Something special. Something better than us," Messiah said. Then, somewhat more dryly, he added, "Not that this is _too _hard, because I don't know if you've noticed but 99% of us divine entities are _jerks_. You're horrible, Lucifer is horrible, Captain McLaser _earns _that nickname, Nyx is totally incapable of holding down a conversation, Erebus is actually more prone to screaming than Metatron, Philemon is just creepy, and don't even get me started on that Nyarlathotep douche."

"**_Indeed, he dost cheatest at cards._" **

"So you see?" Messiah asked. "You look at... at _all of us_. And how can you _not _want to put your bets on all the potential those little mortals have and hope against hope that _maybe _they don't turn out just a little bit better? Both of you?"

God pondered this for a moment. "**... _But they _**_**reek ****of sin." **_

"**I am a pretty princess!" **Metatron declared. **"And if you thou all continue to ignore me, know then that I shalt throw a tantrum indeed!" **

Satan peeked his horrifying head around a nearby cloudbank. "**So, does this mean the Apocalypse is cancelled? Because I was really looking forward to the laser bombardments." **

Messiah sighed. "And you wonder why so many people want to leave when they get here."

He reached his mind down to a few silly, stupid kids trying to solve a case that was probably insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but which might... _might_... if they got lucky and did everything exactly right, have consequences that reached far up into the realms of the divine. And with a thought, he pushed aside a little fog, and made things just a little easier on them. Not so much that they wouldn't still have to work things out on their own, of course... they had so much growing to do.

But they deserved their fighting chance, and you'd never convince him otherwise.

The world continued to turn.

* * *

**Author's Note: This story was a weird one. It wasn't my own idea, and I have a _horrible _record at stories that weren't my idea. Just ask _Ready, Sette, Go! _That poor, poor dead story. I shall have to try to Necromance it. But the point is, after a... painfully long wait, I _did _eventually come back and finish it! Not on the site it was originally on, granted, but I got there! Praise me! PRAISE ME, LEST I RAIN TERROR UPON YOU A-**

**Um. Sorry. Got a little YHWH in my throat. Just... thank you all for reading, thanks for sticking around through my horrible updating schedule, and glad you enjoyed the piece! **

**As always, check my profile for additional works, and links to my published pieces. See you in the next story! **


End file.
